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Surviving Family Conflict When Planning a Funeral

Imagine this: you’ve just had a fight with your best friend. The friendship is over—a bond that can’t be repaired. You walk away, leaving it all behind. If by chance you see them again, you simply turn and walk away because there’s nothing tethering you to them anymore.

But what if we change the dynamics? What if the estranged relationship isn’t between best friends, but family—a sibling, a mother and son, or a father and son-in-law? What if something so bad happens and, in the blink of an eye, you find yourself sitting in the same room with them, forced to arrange a funeral for a family member?

You could probably cut the air with a knife, right? Emotions are heightened, everyone has an opinion, your anxiety is through the roof, and you feel like you’re not being heard. It’s a ticking time bomb of tension, grief, and long-standing family drama.

Family conflict is real—more real than most people acknowledge. And when it comes to arranging a funeral, those unhealed wounds can make an already painful time unbearable. So how do you survive this delicate dance?

Ways You Can Survive Upfront

Choose Your Battles (and Meetings)

Decide which meetings you want to be present for. Not every decision requires your input. Sometimes being part of the service-planning conversation with a celebrant or minister is far less stressful than debating flowers or coffins.

Be Honest with the Funeral Arranger

Let the funeral director know there’s tension. They’ll sense it anyway, and by being upfront you allow them to manage the situation with care.

Use a Third Party to Voice Your Concerns

If you’re overwhelmed—or feel like the “black sheep”—ask a trusted partner, friend, or neutral family member to speak on your behalf.

When Planning the Service

Slow Down

Don’t rush just to “get it over with.” You only get one chance to plan the funeral. Take the time to make it meaningful.

Don’t Feel Ashamed of Family Conflict

It’s more common than you think. Death often brings hidden tensions to the surface—you’re not alone.

Focus on What’s Important

Stay true to yourself and your loved one. Don’t let outside opinions or judgments overwhelm you.

Remember: Funeral Arrangers Are Listeners, Not Counsellors

Your arranger or celebrant will listen and guide you, but they’re not mediators. That said, they’re often some of the best listeners you’ll meet.

Tips for the Day of the Ceremony

• Arrive Just Before the Service: Avoid uncomfortable interactions by coming five minutes before the ceremony. Let the funeral home know so they can reserve your seat.
• Don’t Take Offense Easily: If you feel excluded from decisions—like photos or eulogy mentions—remember most people are just doing their best under difficult circumstances.

What If It’s Just Too Much?

If all of this feels impossible, remember you can plan your own memorial later. There are no strict rules about funerals. A meaningful service doesn’t require the physical body—it’s about honouring your loved one and giving yourself space to grieve.

Final Thought

Grief is hard enough without the added weight of conflict. By setting boundaries and honouring your own emotions, you can still create a farewell that feels true. Remember, there is no “right” way to grieve—only the way that feels right for you.